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Viz|October 2018LETTER BOOKS• MY dog recently made a rather tasteless joke about deceased pop legend David Bowie. When I protested that it was still ‘too soon’ for that sort of thing, he reminded me that in dog terms it has been over 14 years since the warbling space weirdo popped his clogs. So I had to admit that he had a point. Josh Cluderay, Wensleydale • SO much for getting a rescue dog, I say. I’ve had mine six months and let’s just say it isn’t exactly Lassie. Far from barking to tell people that someone is trapped down a well, saving drowning people from rivers, or pulling people out of house fires, all it does is sit around licking its co*ck and bollocks all day long. And don’t even get me…14 min
Viz|October 2018Nicholas Witchell’s Royal EtiquetteMEETING a member of the royal family can be an overwhelming experience. And amidst all the fluster and excitement, it can be very easy to “get it wrong” and cause offence to someone we should be showing cringing obeisance to. But fear not, help is at hand. Here former journalist Nicholas Witchell, now the BBC’s chief royal fartsucker, sets out ten DOs and DON’Ts to observe when being introduced to your blue-blooded betters. 1 DO be prepared. When standing in a line waiting to be introduced, for example backstage after the Royal Variety Performance, start grinning like a f*cking bellend when the royal gets within about four people away from you. Try to make your smile say: “Aren’t they wonderful? They do a marvellous job.” 2 DON’T allow a royal…2 min
Viz|October 2018NOBEL SAVAGE!FORMER Blackburn Rovers midfielder ROBBIE SAVAGE was celebrating last night after being awarded the 2018 Nobel Prize for Literature. Savage, 43, is the first ex-professional footballer to bag the top prose gong, whose previous winners have included Jean-Paul Sartre, TS Eliot and Pablo Neruda. At a glitzy ceremony in Stockholm Concert Hall last night, the former Birmingham City winger looked pleased and confused as members of the official Nobel Committee took turns to heap praise on his 2015 tome I’ll Tell You What... My Take On The Modern Game Of Football. Speaking to journalists after the event, Savage confirmed that he was astonished to have received the prestigious literary accolade. aback “I was a bit taken aback just to get the invite, to be honest,” the ex-Derby man chuckled. “I…2 min
Viz|October 2018SHAGS TO RICHESONE OF BRITAIN’S most successful entrepreneurs, who has been romantically linked with a dazzling succession of glamorous showbiz beauties, was yesterday slapped with a £300 fine by Wiltshire magistrates for trading on a public thoroughfare without a licence. 57-year-old BURTON JOYCEY, who has built a business empire selling wooden garden ornaments from lay-bys in the Swindon area, laughed off the penalty, telling his local paper: “£300 is peanuts to me. I only asked the court for to let me pay it off over six months for a joke.” Publicity around the case has served to highlight Joycey’s love life, which has seen him squiring an incredible rollcall of sexy A-listers he has met while manning his roadside stall. And now he has penned a self-help business guide in which he…11 min
Viz|October 2018GELLER IN A TIZZ OVER PYRAMID THREATVETERAN 1970s psychic URI GELLER yesterday slammed pyramid bosses over their claims that the 5,000-year-old monuments had the power to bend spoons. Geller, 71, rubbished an announcement by the Cairo Tourist Board that, during scientific tests, pieces of cutlery had been spontaneously deformed by mysterious forces emanatingfromthesummits of the ancient structures. “These charlatans claim to have taken ordinary spoons to the tops of pyramids, where they have mysteriously curled up, gone all wibbly-wobbly, and in some cases even snapped in two,” Geller told reporters at a hastily convened press conference in Cairo. “But the evidence for these so-called experiments is flimsy at best.” neck Geller went on to list a number of ways in which he believed the results may have been falsified. “They could have been using a trick…2 min
Viz|October 2018ZZ’s TOPSHi there, gritty Texas rockers ZZ TOP here. And you’ll probably know us best from our blend of boogie grooves and Tex-Mex rock. But we bet you didn’t know we’re sods for Tops. Shirts, vests, tabards, singlets – if a sharp-dressed man or woman is wearing it on their upper body, then these tres hombres are el loco about it. We’ll take a blouse over the blues any day. And judging by our postbag, you think tops are fandango too. So it’s time to button up and print a selection of the toppest TOP letters we’ve received this week. I’LL never understand why casual shirts have top buttons, as nobody ever does them up.…5 min
Viz|October 2018WILL.I.AM’S• EAGLE - EYED VIEWERS watching the BBC’s Peter Sissons reporting the Queen Mum’s death on March 30th 2002 may have spotted something unusual. Just before going on air to announce the tragic news, the veteran anchorman spilled a whole carton of blackcurrant Um-Bongo down his sombre white shirt. With seconds to spare before going live, he sprinted to his colleague Angela Rippon’s dressing room and grabbed the first top he saw – a woman’s silk blouse! Luckily, Sissons’s suit jacket covered up the top’s flouncy blouson sleeves, and the cameraman was able to electronically flip the image to make the buttons appear on the right side. • DURING A June 1974 episode of the 19th century sailing drama The Onedin Line, the lead character James Onedin, played by actor…1 min
Viz|October 2018TOP TIPSPROTECT your new carpet by putting your old carpet over the top. Michael Thompson, North Wales TAKE a mirror into the bathroom next time you are likely to have a painful hard sh*t and pretend to be Bryan Ferry singing one of his songs as you contort in pain. C Wood, Reading SOME double-sided sticky tape on the back of a cut-out barcode from a weekly TV guide makes it really easy to buy Viz for 60p at a self-service checkout. Gareth Jackson, Birmingham VICARS. Employ higher quality builders so you can focus more on spirituality and less on constant roof repairs. Jimmy, Manchester FIFA. Bring the world cup more in line with grass roots youth football by having Cristiano Ronaldo’s nan on the sideline calling the referee a wanker…2 min
Viz|October 2018Have Your Say“...WHETHER you choose to believe it or not, it is a fact that Her Majesty was appointed to her lofty station by the Lord God. That being the case, it is only right that the rest of us show her cringing deference by bowing and curtseying as low as possible if she deigns to allow us into her gracious presence.” Nobby O’Toole, binman “...BOWING and curtseying are outdated practices that should be consigned to the dustbin of history. When meeting a modern monarch, we should show respect by doing a high five, a fist bump, or perhaps doing that thing basketball players do where they run towards each other, jump, turn in mid-air, and bang their arses together.” Mrs Audrey Frobisher, housewife “...RATHER than me bowing to the Queen, it…3 min
Viz|October 2018Sex Curse of TutunkhamunA LEADING Cambridge University Egyptologist says he has fallen foul of a deathbed curse laid almost 5,000 years ago by the boy king Tutunkhamun. While exploring a pyramid in the Valley of the Kings, Professor Burton Coggles, 58, came across a sarcophagus bearing ancient hieroglyphics depicting a sad-faced grave-robber holding a floppy snake. “It was a curse that promised a lifetime of sexual impotence on anyone who dared to disturb the late Pharaoh’s eternal rest,” Coggles told reporters. “At first I just laughed it off, as I am not a particularly superstitious person. But the very next day I went with a prostitute in Cairo, and I found I couldn’t get it up at all.” “Whatever she did, no matter how much she yanked at it or tickled my knackers,…2 min
Viz|October 201820 THINGS YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT THE PYRAMIDSTHE PYRAMIDS are the only remaining Seventh Wonder of the World. Ever since the Pharaohs of Ancient Egypt’s 3rd Dynasty first began erecting these giant stone tombs to contain their mummified remains nearly five millennia ago in 2649 BC, nobody has known who built them, what their original purpose was, or for how long they have been standing. And although the truth may lie somewhere amidst this tangled web of supposition, conjecture and myth that has grown up around them, the only real certainty is that the mystery of the Pyramids will endure long after these eternally unchanging monuments have crumbled to dust. Here are… 1 ANYONE hoping to knock up a pyramid in their garden over a weekend had better think again. That’s because an average one contains an…6 min
Viz|October 2018WAR AND PISSand everyone who knows me exclam. A wireless quiz contestant-style witticism to be delivered after dropping a cacophonous gut. See also one year out!; you can’t stop there, Mr Derek; what’s that, Sweep?; an excellent theory, Dr Watson; fer-fetch a cloth, Granville. angel of the morning 1. n. Much-loved Radio 2 80s favourite by the suitably named Juice Newton. 2. n. Considerate lass who provides morning oral or hand relief without too much prompting. Arsenal’s 2017 cup run, easier than sim. Said of a young lady whose knickers are off quicker than the Happy Mondays. Also easier than ~ junior scrabble; ~ a two-piece jigsaw puzzle. a wreath was laid, but I don’t think I was involved exclam. An exculpatory phrase to be optimistically proffered following…6 min
Viz|October 2018TOP THAT!Most Xs before the L on top label The size label on a top worn by darts player Andy “The Viking” Fordham (UK) during his semi-final match against Raymond van Barneveld (NL) at the 2004 BDO World Darts Championships, had 27 Xs before the L. Fordham later explained that although he usually took a 25XL in tops, this particular shirt had been made a couple of sizes bigger so as not to restrict his throwing arm. During a demonstration of the top on the BBC TV Record Breakers programme, it comfortably contained all 4 members of the pop group Bucks Fizz, with Therese Bazar and David Van Day out of Dollar simultaneously occupying the arms. Most number of buttons on a top A shirt belonging to Mr Ernest Dowdeswell (UK)…2 min
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Shenmue II: Story and Lore GuideViz|October 2018STRONG AND STABLEGROVELMENTONCE AGAIN, gangly PM Theresa May’s bizarre style of curtseying has curled the nation’s toes. Meeting Prince William at a recent ceremony to commemorate the Battle of Amiens, the mantis-like premier abased herself with an awkward bodily contortion that some cruel observers likened to a pissing giraffe. Indeed, the second-in-line to the throne showed admirably steely resolve in stopping himself from laughing in her face, an act that could easily have led to a constitutional crisis. And this isn’t the first time that May’s maladroit style of showing regal deference has turned Britain’s cringe-o-meter all the way up to 11. At previous meetings with the Queen and other members of the royal family, the spindle-shanked PM has thrown a whole series of ludicrously graceless shapes as…2 min
Viz|October 2018RAJ OF THE LIGHT BRIGADE!“Who you blame for botched 1854 cavalry manoeuvre says A LOT about how good you are at sex”, says telly shrink Raj Persaud ASK anyone from Land’s End to John O’Groats to name their favourite Crimean War catastrophe and the answer will always be the same: The Charge of the Light Brigade . This iconic 1854 Battle of Balaclava blunder - which saw 107 British soldiers killed in combat with the Russian Empire - has lived long in the UK’s collective imagination, and each of us harbours our own views on who exactly was to blame for it. But did you know that where YOU lay the responsibility for this military catastrophe speaks volumes about how good you are at sexual intercourse? “It’s true, it does,” says…3 min
Viz|October 2018WHO DOES WHAT AND WHAT THERE IS TO DO... ON BOARD THE FERRYWHETHER YOU WANT to get from Dover to Calais, from Newcastle to Amsterdam, or from Stanraer to Belfast, there’s only one way to do it in style… on a ferry . A journey aboard one of these mighty leviathans of the sea is like taking a trip back in time to the golden age of cruising - a sumptuous experience that would be instantly familiar to stylish travellers of the past such as Noel Coward, Agatha Christie or the Great Gatsby. But whilst today’s ships retain all the romance and opulence of former years, progress doesn’t stand still,and they now boast every state-of-the-art luxury and convenience that a modern passenger could demand, including superfast wireless internet, contactless credit-card shopping and fruit machines. So let’s pipe ourselves aboard…6 min
Viz|October 2018Pyramid SoapboxJennifer Metcalfe, ‘Mercedes McQueen’ in Hollyoaks “I think the pyramids aren’t anything; they’re just the places where the ancient Egyptians stored stones in big triangular piles. They kept them there for when they needed them to build Sphinxes, Colossi of Memnon, obelisks and Temples of Hapsetshut and stuff. Any topologist will tell you that a quadrilateral tetrahedral stack with an incidence angle of 45˚ is the most efficient way to store right-angled blocks. Their civilisation must have fallen before they got round to using them.” Danny Dyer, ‘Danny Dyer’ in EastEnders “I seen this documentary on the internet, and they said that the Pyramids were like alien petrol stations, where flying saucers can come down and refuel. They’ve been soaking up the sun’s rays for millions…2 min
Viz|October 2018TOPS OF THE FORMQ 1: Mr Smith has three tops. Mr Jenkins has two tops more than Mr Brown. Mr Brown has twice as many tops as Mr Smith and Mr Jenkins combined, whilst Mr Jones has fewer tops than anybody except Mr Jenkins. How many tops do these gentlemen have between them? Q 2: Top to bottom: Replacing one letter at a time, change the word TOPS to ARSE in the fewest number of moves. Q 3: Here is a photograph of a top taken from an unusual angle. Can you tell what sort of top it is, and whereabouts on that top this picture was taken?…1 min
